I don’t even know where to begin…

So, I’ll start from the beginning of the latest information I have at this point.

My mother-in-law was diagnosed 12-13 years ago with breast cancer. She has had many rounds of chemo and different therapies over the years. The cancer came back in her lungs 4 years ago…right before our wedding. She has been on a “maintenance-chemo” fairly consistently since then to keep her blood/tumor counts low.

Saturday, July 14th, my father-in-law confided in me that my mother-in-law’s cancer had again returned, but this time it had spread to her liver. He was upset because she had gone in for a CT scan that week, and learned that it had spread, and the doctors were concerned with the amount of chemo that she has had in the past 12-13 years and its ineffectiveness. He told me all of this and then said that I could not let her know that I now knew ANY of this information, but they were going to start a new regiment of chemo beginning Monday to see if this last concoction of three different drugs would have any effect on her tumor counts.

My mother-in-law is an amazing woman. I love her with all of my heart. She has been through so much in the past twelve years or so…and without a complaint or a “Why me?” attitude. She is the strongest woman I know. She is also VERY private, even with her family, so her cancer has never been openly discussed within the family. I do understand why she might be concerned about how people treat her or act towards her if they knew she had cancer. She wants to lead a “normal” life. (But, does this even exist anymore in today’s world?) But, I don’t understand why she has chosen to keep this from her family. We are here to support her in any and every way we can, and I want her to know that we will do that! We want to be there for her.

Anyway, on with my story… I had noticed over the past couple of weeks that she has been more tired, and her coloring has been a bit off. She had started to lose some of her hair again from this chemo round. (But she has to know that she is still absolutely beautiful to all of us!) They had been planning on going to Nashville for a short trip at the beginning of August, so I thought that just as I had in the past when her health changed, I would wait a few weeks then approach the subject with her and let her know that I am here for her.

Sunday afternoon, we went to pick them up from the airport, and I had never seen her so exhausted and pale. She had had a very hard time breathing on her trip. She became winded on any short walks. She looked quite simply… exhausted.

I knew the next round of chemo was scheduled for Monday. She ended up not having the chemo because she was having such difficulty breathing. The doctors chose to run some tests to check the fluid around her lung and determine if she had any blood clots or if it was fluid build-up that they thought might had been a result of flying. They found no clots, so they sent her home to rest.

Hubby and I went over to check in on them on Monday night. I just wanted to cry and hug her when I got there! She looked so scared and so weak lying in her chair. She said very little as it was very difficult for her to breathe. She nodded a lot and smiled when something was funny. I even saw her hallmark twinkle in her eyes when I started joking around with Hubby.

We decided that Hubby would stay the night over at their house in case she needed assistance. This would also give my father-in-law some time to rest as well. Hubby said this morning, that they all slept a little at some point, but they were up quite a bit overnight. The oncologist was called this morning to inform him that due to neighborhood construction work, my in-laws phones had been out all night, so that he should call Hubby’s cell phone with any news. The oncologist called back. And from that moment on, our family dynamics have been changed forever.

Sometime in the past three weeks, her blood/tumor counts have increased significantly. He also addressed the fluid in her lungs as being from the cancer, not as a result of flying. The chemo has not had any effect on fighting the cancer. So, at this point, they have decided to forego any more treatments, as the side effects are not worth it since it’s not working. The oncologist has now put us through with hospice, and as of now, Hubby and the hospice nurse have been playing phone tag and will connect tomorrow.

The oncologist made an appointment for her today to have her lungs aspirated to give her relief in her breathing and with her pain and pressure. Early this afternoon, she had over a liter of fluid removed from her lungs! She felt much better and was in better spirits. She even was hungry!

All of this news put me at home and on the phone to call siblings, aunts/uncles, friends, pastoral care, etc. all day today. Hubby took them to and from the hospital and brought them dinner and such this evening. He is now back home and his sister is spending the night over there tonight.

But, today, I had to break all of this terrible news to relatives who had no idea about any health concerns with my mother-in-law. It was so hard to do, but I did it…and I am not quite sure how.

I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted after today…but I just want her to know that we are here for her…at any time…and we will do anything for her! I want her to know that she doesn’t have to go through this alone. We are all here for her. I want us to be able to talk as a family about what is happening. I don’t want to have to keep “secrets” anymore. I want her to know that LOTS Of people are praying for her and that lots of people love her and that miracles do exist..and that it’s ok to tell people that you have cancer…the power and magnitude of prayer is an amazing thing! I want her to know that we are all in this together.

All of us are filled with….. great sadness….lots of heartache that this is happening to her…but most of all, we are also filled with hope for her.

I want her to know all of that.